First Update of the Spring

I’m sorry that March was a basic shitshow.  I went down to Miami, partied too hard for a weekend, got very sick for two weeks as a result, and basically ended all of my romances.  To add to this I also found out I’d be starting my dream job not too far along.  My career picked up, I was sick as a dog, and the last thing I wanted to deal with was men.  It feels incredible, and I feel incredible–like I’ve finally made it, and I am so ridiculously satisfied.

Sean turned into a bust.  He became annoying when he texted me nonstop, would call me 13 times in a row in the middle of the night even though clearly I had no intention of answering, and just went nuts.  My friends always make jokes that I have this strange effect on men–well I’m sorry, but men can be just as crazy as women.

Anyway, the only man I’m seeing now of the old mix is Josh.  I finally REALLY ended it (and all conversation) with Stud by telling him I decided to get back together with my ex.  Fine, he’ll hate me, but this is the cleanest break I can possibly think of to scare a man away.  Nothing good would have come from me telling him the truth that I just wasn’t interested because my reasons to see him in the first place were shallow and ridiculous.

Josh has really gotten me stumped.  He reminds me of John from two summers ago.  A friends with benefits, but not the dirty mean kind where the guy is taking advantage of the girl; a completely mutual experience of good conversation, hooking up, snuggles, and not much else.  Josh goes out of his way to be nice.  He has come to my apartment to pick me up and walk back to his place, he offers me water, he has asked me to meet his friends out at a bar.  Is it a friends with benefits?  Who knows.  I definitely don’t.  In my super high these days, I’m trying to just go with the flow and not question things.  Sure, I am obviously stumped, but really trying not to think about it.  I realized that I would actually be a little sad if Josh just left my life which is what makes it so hard.  I like how relaxed I feel with him, where I just don’t give a shit because I know we aren’t “dating”, and maybe that’s a reflection on how I should be approaching all my other relationships.  I wear yoga pants and a t-shirt half the time, he’s never seen me dress up (which is actually 95% of the time), I don’t put on make-up, and I show up even with onion breath (haha, though he did complain on that one) and he still invites me back.  COOL.  Also, the big kicker: we stopped having sex.  We play around in bed, make-out a bit, but we don’t have sex.  I’ve recently become obsessed with his body, so I’m constantly rubbing his arms and back, but oh man–doesn’t this throw a wrench into the whole analysis!?

He told me that he recently spoke to his sister about this, that when a girl comes over they don’t have to actually have sex and he’s okay with it.  He also asked me every time I’ve seen him whether or not I’ve had any good dates recently and he always ends it with “there’s just no connection with anyone”.  I’m not stupid enough to assume he is saying there is one with us, but it’s still a bit strange to hear that every time I stay over.

Part of why it’s amazing to blog is that you can have an honest conversation with yourself, and also reflect on your raw thoughts from years ago.  All of my posts on this blog are related to boys and men… and how often they change and how often my perspective of their role in my life changes.  More reason not to think about Josh.

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Re-Kindling Old Loves with Tons of Drama

I went on a date yesterday with a charming guy, though he is actually the indirect cause of many of my problems.  Sean seemed like the perfect Finance guy.  When I had first graduated college he was only a year ahead as a young professional. We started talking on OKC.  Turns out we both went to the same school and had a few mutual friends.  The only trouble is that this was all during my first break from Abe (my last ex), and I eventually had to dump all the dudes from that two month period when Abe and I got back together.  This was 1.5 years ago and finally now that I’m single again I met up with Sean.

It had been a long time since I’ve had solid conversation on a date which is so incredibly sad.  I find that I mostly vere towards racial jokes based on my non-whiteness, how amazing NYC is, and how great it is just to live it up with travel, food, and parties.  This leads me to only a small batch of options and I realized that dating the older man doesn’t necessarily allow for all of my ridiculous youthful needs.  The men of my year, fellow 24 year olds, have finally caught up–they are now cultured, badass, making money, and learning how to treat women, so why not give them a shot?  I used to be completely against dating men under 26 for a few years now, but the times are changing!

Anyway, I ended up hooking up with Sean.  Sex was mediocre, but really fun.  He seems really into me, which is grand and all, but I am starting to feel really numb regarding men.  It’s actually really satisfying in a twisted way that I don’t have the same attachment issues as before.

My night didn’t exactly end there.  There was another man that I met during a break with Abe that ended pretty sourly and this one I had a very intense emotional attachment to.  I really wanted this guy Dave to be my boyfriend actually, but he didn’t want anything more serious than we already had.  Silly me, it was like a smack in the face.  He ran off to Germany and only messaged me once.  Then when he came home he was really sick and told me about how he went to the strip club while away.  I was pretty uneasy about it, showed clearly that I wasn’t really happy with him, and we broke up over the phone a few days later.  He didn’t show that he cared about me while he was gone, and if anything it was really hurtful.

Okay, wounds are open and I’m getting emo.  Anyway, last night he apologized for being such an ass about the delivery of what he had to say.  I reminded him it wasn’t so much the strip club, but really how he didn’t message me all week and didn’t really value me enough or make it a priority to see me.  We also ended up hooking up…I tried to snuggle with him with nothing really in return, and finally he made some comments on how we were the same people and some things just weren’t going to change.  It was pretty raw and hurtful.  I really liked Dave, but realize it only hurts because he doesn’t like me back in the same capacity.  He is right when looking at the bigger picture.  It’s not time to change ourselves for someone else, we are too young.  I’ve been pretty emotionless with all these men, but for whatever reason Dave has really struck me.  I’ve not sure why I let myself fall for him.  We have such a good time when we are together, but really, his strong personality would probably exhaust me in the long run like Abe’s.

With all of this man drama, I’ve also been texting Stud again.  He asked me to marry him via text for his greencard and I refused.  My friends all commented how they CALLED IT.  Oh man, oh man, how funny. It got a little raunchy with both of us sending pictures back and forth, and seriously he is such a stud.  It made me realize that I’m a true addict.  This is amazingly fun and I’m completely an addict to man drama.

The count is 4: Dave, Josh, Sean, and Stud.

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Why Do They All Want Friends with Benefits?

This is an obvious one to most.  When you make it too easy for a guy, more than likely they won’t want more emotionally.  When you string them along and don’t have time for them, that is when they come begging.

Josh is really a nice guy, though I think he is swinging to the fwb path.  He hasn’t asked me out on a real date and instead we just hang out at his apartment watching tv and snuggling.  He went off to Colorado last weekend and I saw him Monday to retrieve the hat I had left there.  Yes, I was that stupid girl who left something behind. Though unintentionally, I felt really really stupid.  NEVER leave something behind, especially when you are as aggressive as I am with ending things.  I initially thought after I got my hat back that things would be over.

Instead, Josh really pushed for us to continue to talk.  It’s really mild conversation, normally about what club or restaurant I was going to and he’d reply with something like “oh, you are so cool. I want your life”. hah–okay fine, nice things to say, not particularly emotional, but whatever.

When you start saying whatever it is either because you are head over heels for someone and you don’t care about their flaws, or you really just don’t give a shit.  I’m sort of at that stage of just not giving a shit though there is still that sad ounce of me hoping that it’ll work out.  All we do is hook up and watch the Food Channel.

Anyway, the last time I headed over to Josh’s, I insisted we don’t have sex because I get emotionally attached with sex.  I didn’t give him the full story of how I actually just didn’t want to have sex then ultimately have it end because that is the biggest ego bruiser ever.  He respected that and whenever he tried to put the moves on me he would pull back saying, “I’ll stop because I want you to come back and cuddle with me.  If I don’t, you may not come back!”  It’s only as confusing or complicated as you make it.  In this case, it is clear he just wants to snuggle and hang out and he’s okay with that.  He doesn’t want more, and doesn’t want less.

Old me would reevaluate this and think of it like a true girl.  “Oh, he snuggles? That means he must like me! Oh, he’s okay with not having sex! He wants to see me all the time! He must like me!”

No.

Take it for what it is.  We snuggle.  He never takes me out on dates.  I enjoy his company so I’m fine with it.  I also need to constantly remind myself of all of this–he is not my man, he could be snuggling this same way with any other girl every other night.  I need to keep perspective that it may not lead anywhere and also that I wouldn’t want someone who doesn’t treat me like an angel in my life anyway.

Fuck.

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Re-Opening Old Wounds and Patching the New Problems

Constantly reevaluating and reflecting on my emotions has forced me to realize what a nut I am, and also how quick I am to jump to decisions or conclusions.  My boss recently told me that I don’t hide my emotions well, and that goes true even for myself.  I indulge myself in strong emotions at all times, which is probably both good and bad.

I’m a feeler, but that makes me dramatic.

Today, I went to get my stuff from Abe, my ex-bf’s place.  I missed him so much I could hardly look at him.  After he loaded the car with all my things, I only naturally just started to cry.  It felt so familiar because we had done it so many times before, and like every time before, I cried.  Putting away two years of your life isn’t easy.  I enjoyed so many things with him despite the eventual downfall, so of course I reserve the right to sulk for a minute.

I spent the rest of the day re-evalating with my new perspective.  I wanted those same feelings I had for Abe with every man I dated, or at least the potential.  The feeling of warmth, security, and excitement.  With Stud, I realized I didn’t have any of it.  With Stud I was going with the flow, not really being responsible with emotions, and just let anything fly.  In reality, he cancelled on me twice, and tonight he decided last minute that he’d meet me at 11pm (which really meant 1am).  Ridiculous.

I dumped him without much hesitation. I did it over text message because I didn’t feel like he really deserved more.  Sure, he seemed really attached sending me messages and emoticons everyday throughout the days, but it’s not my problem if he can’t make it to a date on time or even make it at all.

Anyway, every time one man disappears it makes me want to fill it with another, which is something I actively want to work on.  I think calling it out for what it is is the most important thing I can do right now.  I realize that the prospect of always having someone for whenever I want is really appealing, though I probably shouldn’t let it affect my emotions or mood as much as I do.  This goes back to me being dramatic.

The count is currently one.  His name is Josh and he’s from Staten Island.  I went on a first date with him on President’s Day Weekend and the only thing in common we have so far is our love for craft beer.  He was a decent guy, very upbeat and laughing the whole time with a very strong Staten Island accent, but I didn’t think too strongly of him either way.  I was a bit skanky that night and slept over his place (with contacts in and all, UGH!).  Turns out he only lives ten blocks away from me, also has season tickets for football, and enjoys fine dining.  He’s pretty cool so far.

Later on in the week he invited me over to watch Top Chef.  He wasn’t presumptuous about whether or not I’d stay over, but he seemed to also welcome it.  I slept over yet again and realized he collects hair ties.  He also told me that he buys packs of them and wears them because it is something he has done for a long time.  I’m not really sure if I believe him, or if he just takes them from girls and has a pack from his ex gf.  Pretty strange thing considering he swiped my hair tie the first night!

Anyway, I’m waiting to see if there’ll be another date.  I can’t tell if this is going to turn into a FWB or fizzle… or become something, though that part is still too soon to tell.

Time to sleep!

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Addiction and Filling the Void

My emotions are a constant up and down these days.  I’m not sure how to feel or what exactly I want.  From one side, I am being pulled in by an ex who is devoted to me, who takes care of me, and wants to be by my side forever.  Meanwhile, I know that it can’t ever work out the way he behaves and because of just who he fundamentally is.

I used to think I had a type.  A finance, cool bro type.  Maybe I’ve been mistaken.  Maybe my type is the quiet office guy, the gym dude, someone in IT, someone in marketing, or someone in something other than Finance.

I’ve been finding that many men in Finance only care about the end game.  They’ve decided what they want before you’ve met them and they will do anything to get it.  They were the dorks in HS or the second-best jocks.  They were the ones who had to fight for what they have with charm and wit so they think this applies across their different life relationships.

Okay, I’m a little bitter.  It’s my fault in the first place that I’m not more open minded with who to love.  It’s partially based on the idea that I don’t want to be financially taking care of my family all by myself.  It’s also that I lose perspective that not everything can work out.  The idea that only one will be there with me at the end is scary, but it’s also scary to not have anyone at all.

All of this nonsense has plagued me for the last 48 hours.  I went on a hot date with the sexiest man I’ve encountered in my life, but he’s not that easy to communicate with.  There’s obvious passion and heat.  That’s right, Stud.  He’s a master with his hands and arms, and knows just how to hold me.  It makes me feel so oddly safe.  We danced for three hours before he anxiously wanted to go home with me.  I told him we’d have to wait some more time so I could hang out with my friends and he was completely fine with it.

My ex was a trader and I can’t say that him paying for everything was awful.  In the next afternoon I went on a date with a Wade, a Finance guy who turned out to only want to molest me the entire time.  It was awful.  He was weird and awkward and just wanted to stick his stubby tongue down my throat. I had to kick him out of my apartment and “ghost” him.  Our first date was so great, but not everything can work out.

Anyway, Wade just pushed me closer and closer to Stud.  I always used to be really self conscious about hot men, but now I realize what kind of a package I have and remembering what I used to channel when I was young: there’s no reason not to feel 100% about yourself at all times.  If you go on a date there should be no pressure to be a certain way.

Old me used to just put up with bad behavior from men to fill the void of loneliness.  Now, I rather enjoy sleeping alone and relaxing.  I fill my void now with text messages and spacing out how often I reply to everyone, and of course this blog.

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No Brains and Just for the Sex?

So I met up with Stud last night and turns out he really is a stud in person.  His arms are beautiful, though not as big and buff as I expected.  I was actually a little disappointed at first because I expected this massive man, but in reality he sort of  has chicken legs and a very buff upper body.

I could tell he mostly relied on looks.  His hair was perfect, his teeth were perfect, and when I asked him how it was possible he said “God loves me”.  He obviously really loved himself, which is f-ing weird!  When I told him I was shocked he only met 8 girls from online in 5 months, he said “well, I could have a girl every night of the week, but I don’t because I have to feel a connection.  They have to at least be cute.”  Aside from his dashing physical appearance there wasn’t much there.  He couldn’t hold a conversation and it was clear that he just liked to party, meet girls, and drink.  I asked him if his friends were as good looking as him and of course he replied “yes, they are”.  When I asked him about where he likes to go out he said “Meatpacking: Tenjune and Kiss & Fly”.  Okay fine, except when I mentioned Le Bain he was all over it.  Yes, that is where you go to find other sexy people to have sex with, and he confirmed it from his male perspective.

Luckily it was my friend’s birthday tonight so we escaped the boredom of sitting in silence at the bar to go and see her.  As a result all we could do was make-out and grope each other.  His body was hot, and almost hot enough to just bang.  You can tell a man has experience when he knows how to pull your hair and nibble on your lips in such a way that is provocative but doesn’t hurt with the occasional grabbing of my ass.  I think it could definitely be fun just to use each other for what we see in each other–hot bodies.  He can take me out to meatpacking and we can just make-out all the time.

I resisted at the end of the night.  Isn’t that insane?  The girl who used to be “loose’ is so tame now.  What I’m really afraid of is the big 20.  Yes, the 20th man I sleep with has to be someone noteworthy and amazing.  It involves a whole different level of quality control! (hah, just joking around).  Actually, it’s part of the new me.  I’m not the horn dog I used to be and I’m looking for a lot more.  Let’s see how long this lasts…maybe #20 is later today?  He did mention that he wanted to come out again and I also have a date with Wade.

xoxo

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The Count to One.

How unfortunate that two years ago I was so distracted by men and at the prospect of settling down, my blog and interests died?  It got to the point where my most recent ex-bf, Abe, has come and gone, and I completely regret not writing down every moment of our relationship because of how ridiculous it was.  I remember him not-so-fondly with a twisted fate that has after two years led us to break up.  It was great to read what I had thought of Abe two years ago because he was exactly the same, despite me convincing myself that progress had been made.  Okay, that was too dramatic.  He did change a lot (at his own will he says), but it just wasn’t enough.

Fundamental problems don’t just go away.  He was a vegetarian cat hater who was about to lose his job.  He didn’t want to spend any time with my family, yet he wanted to get married.  We had three planned and failed vacations that each had complications.  Each plan cost so much more because of his procrastination, and we weren’t able to get the best flight times because of it. One trip had to be outright cancelled and I flew away to a different continent than he had. He hated my friends and was incredibly awkward in any situation I put him into.  We were on and off and took two months off last summer.  What a disaster.  I told him if we got back together it was because I was sure we’d get married.  I meant it until I realized how he only temporarily changed.  He still managed to fight my friend at Thanksgiving, miss my parent’s xmas party, land on Christmas Eve and miss mass, and cause a scene at my birthday.

What the heck was I doing?  Anyway, back to the dating world.

This is what I had meant to post in March 2011, but I never finished writing it:

So guess who currently has my heart? Abe.  In the last week a lot has changed.

I realized that I really don’t want a pothead.  There goes Tom and Adrien.  Tom’s sister is in town and I suspect it is until this weekend, but I have no interest in rekindling the nothing we had.  Sure, successful corporate lawyer is really hot, sex was pretty good, but pothead?  Nah.  And Adrien messaged me during the week to ask what he would have to do to see me again, against that fell off too.  Nothing too exciting.

John–I ended it last Thursday when he asked if I wanted to come and distract him while he worked from home, but made it clear that he was super busy so wouldn’t be able to spend much time with me.  He made some comment that we needed to have sex.  I sort of became really unpleasant about it because I didn’t really want to feel used like that.  I didn’t want him to think I could be used for that–maybe it was more okay with me when I knew it was mutual, but I just wasn’t feeling it.  He told me not to play dumb and that we have sex every time we see each other, and I said that I was under the impression we were friends who hung out.  Oh well, another one bites the dust!  I told him I wasn’t interested.

Abe.  Oh where to start.  Last Wednesday we had a semi-serious talk.  He said he wanted things to just go with the flow if that was okay.  This was his first taste of serious talk, and I agreed that I was okay.  Then this week I had all sorts of problems that were completely my fault.  He said Wednesday he would call Thursday to make plans, then he never called.  By Friday he called after I texted him and he cancelled because he was stuck in Jersey.  He came up with excuse after excuse.

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