I’m sorry that March was a basic shitshow. I went down to Miami, partied too hard for a weekend, got very sick for two weeks as a result, and basically ended all of my romances. To add to this I also found out I’d be starting my dream job not too far along. My career picked up, I was sick as a dog, and the last thing I wanted to deal with was men. It feels incredible, and I feel incredible–like I’ve finally made it, and I am so ridiculously satisfied.
Sean turned into a bust. He became annoying when he texted me nonstop, would call me 13 times in a row in the middle of the night even though clearly I had no intention of answering, and just went nuts. My friends always make jokes that I have this strange effect on men–well I’m sorry, but men can be just as crazy as women.
Anyway, the only man I’m seeing now of the old mix is Josh. I finally REALLY ended it (and all conversation) with Stud by telling him I decided to get back together with my ex. Fine, he’ll hate me, but this is the cleanest break I can possibly think of to scare a man away. Nothing good would have come from me telling him the truth that I just wasn’t interested because my reasons to see him in the first place were shallow and ridiculous.
Josh has really gotten me stumped. He reminds me of John from two summers ago. A friends with benefits, but not the dirty mean kind where the guy is taking advantage of the girl; a completely mutual experience of good conversation, hooking up, snuggles, and not much else. Josh goes out of his way to be nice. He has come to my apartment to pick me up and walk back to his place, he offers me water, he has asked me to meet his friends out at a bar. Is it a friends with benefits? Who knows. I definitely don’t. In my super high these days, I’m trying to just go with the flow and not question things. Sure, I am obviously stumped, but really trying not to think about it. I realized that I would actually be a little sad if Josh just left my life which is what makes it so hard. I like how relaxed I feel with him, where I just don’t give a shit because I know we aren’t “dating”, and maybe that’s a reflection on how I should be approaching all my other relationships. I wear yoga pants and a t-shirt half the time, he’s never seen me dress up (which is actually 95% of the time), I don’t put on make-up, and I show up even with onion breath (haha, though he did complain on that one) and he still invites me back. COOL. Also, the big kicker: we stopped having sex. We play around in bed, make-out a bit, but we don’t have sex. I’ve recently become obsessed with his body, so I’m constantly rubbing his arms and back, but oh man–doesn’t this throw a wrench into the whole analysis!?
He told me that he recently spoke to his sister about this, that when a girl comes over they don’t have to actually have sex and he’s okay with it. He also asked me every time I’ve seen him whether or not I’ve had any good dates recently and he always ends it with “there’s just no connection with anyone”. I’m not stupid enough to assume he is saying there is one with us, but it’s still a bit strange to hear that every time I stay over.
Part of why it’s amazing to blog is that you can have an honest conversation with yourself, and also reflect on your raw thoughts from years ago. All of my posts on this blog are related to boys and men… and how often they change and how often my perspective of their role in my life changes. More reason not to think about Josh.
Sass. Feisty. 